Atelophobia

Atelophobia: the fear of not being good enough

i fear not being good enough to get out of this grey
world i have been living in and experience new colors

i fear i'm not good enough to make others happy or
make people stay after they've seen every single dark
shadow inside of me.

i fear of not being good enough to know if i wanna go left
is that really my choice?
or am i being controlled by some force?
and if i go right am i overcoming the force?
or is the force controlling me all the same?

all of this fear and worry is destroying me piece by
piece: i need to come to the realization that it's okay to not 
be great at everything.

draw stick figures. sing off key. write bad poems. sew ugly clothes. run slowly. flirt clumisly. play video games on easy.

you do not need to be good at something to enjoy it. talent is overrated. 
do the things you like doing. it's okay to suck.

it's okay to not be good enough.

good enough is being me.

the truth

to be alive is to get excited about the little things

sunday canyon drives
wearing a new outfit for the first time
about the new cute guy in your class
talking to your crush
finding that extra dollar in your pocket

get excited about the things that make you remotely happy because as we grow up our passion and enthusiasm fades like the prettiest sunsets

searching for happiness is like traveling the world to find your glasses when they're on your forehead

be alive and have the courage to be exactly who are without apology

cause you wanna know the truth?
nobody is truly happy. nobody has skin from oil paint and sunlight. nobody really understand this world at all, nobody says they understand calc as much as they claim.
there is no such thing as the perfect person. people come and go and change like ocean currents, they leave you with bruises on your mind and heart from the pain they caused.
you wanna know the truth? you gotta find it

find it in the little things.

part of being alive is searching through all of the humans in this universe
you will meet
delicate flowers
quite forests
raging oceans
towering mountains
and colorful skies
you will meet thunderstorms
lightening
they will knock you down,  they will leave you breathless
you will meet sunrises,
gardens
they you will give you light
they will take you on adventures.


explore everyone. get lost with them. they all have something different to teach you.

be alive

knock knock

life is full of doors

i have opened many doors

and now it's time to close some doors today. and open some new ones.
not for pride, incapacity of arrogance. but simply because they are leading me nowhere

i need to shut the door that makes me think that i am for everyone, when i am not for everyone

shut the door of thinking i'm going to be 100% ready. cause, it's never going to be the just the right time, but that's the point.

we must open the door or realizing that every moment is the right moment, if you want it you just have to do it.

open the door of being nice to yourself. it is hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you all the time.

we tend to go back to what feels like home

and oh am i homesick for a place i am not sure even exists. one where my heart is full. my body loved. and my soul is understood.

please god help me find the door that leads to that place

i need to shut the door of being scared of love and open the door that leads me to spread it

open the door that leads you to someone that makes you feel like "!!!!!!!" inside

there are so many doors

knock on all of the right ones.

more than that

i am not just a brick
i am the wall.

i have built myself brick by brick and sometimes i catch myself hiding from the structure i have created.

but other times i catch my self standing on top of my wall.

feeling proud of what i have built myself into.

eyes

there are two types of people that can't look at you in the eyes:
someone trying to hid a lie
and someone trying to hide a love.

but i've learned that truth is messy and painful. it's raw and uncomfortable...
you can't blame people for preferring to lies.

the reason it's hard to look people in the eye that we love is because the people we
love the most test us the most.

baby you're like the sky

LOVE
the thing we crave the most but hurts us more than anything else.

people chuck themselves into love...

to live

      to breath
            
                 or to get their breath taken away.

love is like the sky

it can be blue, dark blue, pitch black. fluent and beautiful with the clouds. Jumping around and whimsical

but it can rain.

water falling
 
               tears spilling

                                 anger rising

thunder lightning strike. its electric luminescent glow fills the sky. leaving you worried. wanting someone to hold you, but you know it can't be who you want.

but love can also be a sunset
the most beautiful thing that you have ever seen/experienced.
leaving you so speechless that you can't even speak.
the warm colors leaving you weak

Yellow and happiness

                 pink and giddy

                             orange and exciting

                                       purple and magical

love is like the night sky.
i hate the stars cause i look at the same ones you do without you.