alex cujavante

dear alex.

the fact that your pen name is someone who celebrated their roller speed skate race victory too early and someone past them in the last second and they were no longer were in first place, is the funniest and saddest thing ever.

i love the simplicity of your posts

i love the quotes you use.

short but they have so much meaning.

i've learned we have some similatrities
1. i forget how to spell my pen name too
2. i don't know what i want to major in either
3. i am also horrible at endings

i'm painting your white elephant present alex.

so thank you parker. i have enjoyed reading your blog and getting to know you.

change

so hello

i am obsessed with the sky
which is why my pen name is a constellation

i am mostly afraid of going through life misunderstood

i get too caught up on the things that don't matter

and i've learned it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

and thanks to nelson and monocerous for helping me accomplish that.

i have come to love the fool inside of me,

the one who:

feels too much
talks too much
takes too many chances
wins sometimes and loses often
loves and hates
hurts and gets hurt
laughs and cries

i try to be happy so that when others look at me they become happy too.
cause i am not mona lisa.
i wont depend on anyone to draw a smile on my face. i control my own brush and i'll paint my own reality

I am Sarah Barry

mixed lyrics and emotions

a combination of lyrics from

the 1975 - Fallingforyou
Mumford & Sons - after the storm
Lana del rey - Dark paradise

and now i cling to what i knew
i saw exactly what was true
all my friends tell me i should move on
that's why i hold.
no one compares to you
i think im falling, i'm falling for you.
i read between the lines
and i look up, i look up
on my knees and out of luck.
don't you see me?
i'll never make it right.
i'm caught on your coat again
and we stood tall,
and remembered our own land, and what we lived for
and i took you by the hand,
i'll take you one day at a time
don't you see me now?
you said some day we might when i'm closer to your height.
that's why i hold.
you're all i need
i think i'm falling, i'm falling for you
soon you will be mine,
maybe you'll change your mind
and love will not break your heart.
no one compares to you.
we started losing light
if you don't want me around.
i run and run as the rains come.
night has always pushed up day
i'm so excited for the night.
the feeling of your arms
and on this night and in this light
when the smoke is in your eyes, you look so alive.
i don't want to wake up from this tonight
That's why i hold with all i have.
i think i'm falling, i'm falling for you
i think i'm falling, i think i'm falling
you're all i need
i don't wanna be your friend
well i guess i'll just go home.

i wonder where broken hearts go

maybe we die twice in this life.
1. when your own heart stops beating
2. when their heart starts beating for someone else

a womens heartbeat is faster than a mans by almost 8 beats a minute
which makes sense cause every time i see you
my chest bumps like a dryer with shoes in it cause it's beating so fast

       even though i don't want it to

even though regular exercise is best for the heart i hate running.

and maybe it's meant to be that the heart is the size of two hands clasped together....

      I don't know

maybe i'm killing my heart by overthinking

i feel like the beat of my heart is morse code but i just can't follow what it's saying when my heart is slowly turning into a million pieces.

thankfully i'm not broken. just cracked and a little bent.

we were born to die

lets talk about the universe

lets talk about coincidences

lets talk about the courage of the stars. how light carries on endlessly, even after death.

lets talk about infinite...

look at the sky. we are not alone.
and if you are ever feeling lonely just look at the moon. cause someone somewhere is looking at it too. and it's probably me.

isn't it interesting how this universe has no beginning and no end? literally no end. we never end.
what are we going to do forever?

who are we? compared to this big universe.

how many more galaxies are there? there are probably more galaxies than there are people.

honestly it has felt like the universe has dealt me some good cards when i met you. and that my friend was a very nice change.

who has the answer to all my questions.
god created adam and eve but who created god
what does it look like past the veil
how big is the universe

so just take me to the finish line, but i'm hoping at the gates they will tell me that i'm fine
fine from
the times i lied
when i cheated
the days i didn't pray
falling hard into pier pressure

i hope at the end i will learn that it didn't matter that i loved you and you loved her, even though i saw galaxies in your eyes.

so choose your last words cause soon it could be the last time
and we were born to die.






 

how to avoid the match burn

we were kinda like matches..

& even though mom says don't play with fire, it will hurt.
i couldn't help it.

you kept showing sparks of interest & i loved the way the sparks looked. so bright so exciting.

flicker by flicker we became a flame

playing with fire is like flirting with disaster

& i kept playing with the fire. 
it was fun
it was different

you know when you swipe your finger through the fire really quick, then time after time you feel invincible, so you go slower through the fire then suddenly

you get burned. and it hurts. & your confused cause it was fine just a second ago... yeah i can relate.

burn. burn. burn.

before i knew it our fire was burned out. with a trail of smoke reminding me of our memories.
slowly fading
i can hardly remember.
all i have left is the burn on my finger to remind me of what we almost had.

and oh how i thought we were a perfect match, but darling matches burn.

& maybe after enough awkward and silent moments i'll learn that we're going to be better strangers than anything else.

to avoid the burn, trust the vibes, energy never lies. and know that oh does fire burn.

Atelophobia

Atelophobia: the fear of not being good enough

i fear not being good enough to get out of this grey
world i have been living in and experience new colors

i fear i'm not good enough to make others happy or
make people stay after they've seen every single dark
shadow inside of me.

i fear of not being good enough to know if i wanna go left
is that really my choice?
or am i being controlled by some force?
and if i go right am i overcoming the force?
or is the force controlling me all the same?

all of this fear and worry is destroying me piece by
piece: i need to come to the realization that it's okay to not 
be great at everything.

draw stick figures. sing off key. write bad poems. sew ugly clothes. run slowly. flirt clumisly. play video games on easy.

you do not need to be good at something to enjoy it. talent is overrated. 
do the things you like doing. it's okay to suck.

it's okay to not be good enough.

good enough is being me.

the truth

to be alive is to get excited about the little things

sunday canyon drives
wearing a new outfit for the first time
about the new cute guy in your class
talking to your crush
finding that extra dollar in your pocket

get excited about the things that make you remotely happy because as we grow up our passion and enthusiasm fades like the prettiest sunsets

searching for happiness is like traveling the world to find your glasses when they're on your forehead

be alive and have the courage to be exactly who are without apology

cause you wanna know the truth?
nobody is truly happy. nobody has skin from oil paint and sunlight. nobody really understand this world at all, nobody says they understand calc as much as they claim.
there is no such thing as the perfect person. people come and go and change like ocean currents, they leave you with bruises on your mind and heart from the pain they caused.
you wanna know the truth? you gotta find it

find it in the little things.

part of being alive is searching through all of the humans in this universe
you will meet
delicate flowers
quite forests
raging oceans
towering mountains
and colorful skies
you will meet thunderstorms
lightening
they will knock you down,  they will leave you breathless
you will meet sunrises,
gardens
they you will give you light
they will take you on adventures.


explore everyone. get lost with them. they all have something different to teach you.

be alive

knock knock

life is full of doors

i have opened many doors

and now it's time to close some doors today. and open some new ones.
not for pride, incapacity of arrogance. but simply because they are leading me nowhere

i need to shut the door that makes me think that i am for everyone, when i am not for everyone

shut the door of thinking i'm going to be 100% ready. cause, it's never going to be the just the right time, but that's the point.

we must open the door or realizing that every moment is the right moment, if you want it you just have to do it.

open the door of being nice to yourself. it is hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you all the time.

we tend to go back to what feels like home

and oh am i homesick for a place i am not sure even exists. one where my heart is full. my body loved. and my soul is understood.

please god help me find the door that leads to that place

i need to shut the door of being scared of love and open the door that leads me to spread it

open the door that leads you to someone that makes you feel like "!!!!!!!" inside

there are so many doors

knock on all of the right ones.

more than that

i am not just a brick
i am the wall.

i have built myself brick by brick and sometimes i catch myself hiding from the structure i have created.

but other times i catch my self standing on top of my wall.

feeling proud of what i have built myself into.

eyes

there are two types of people that can't look at you in the eyes:
someone trying to hid a lie
and someone trying to hide a love.

but i've learned that truth is messy and painful. it's raw and uncomfortable...
you can't blame people for preferring to lies.

the reason it's hard to look people in the eye that we love is because the people we
love the most test us the most.

baby you're like the sky

LOVE
the thing we crave the most but hurts us more than anything else.

people chuck themselves into love...

to live

      to breath
            
                 or to get their breath taken away.

love is like the sky

it can be blue, dark blue, pitch black. fluent and beautiful with the clouds. Jumping around and whimsical

but it can rain.

water falling
 
               tears spilling

                                 anger rising

thunder lightning strike. its electric luminescent glow fills the sky. leaving you worried. wanting someone to hold you, but you know it can't be who you want.

but love can also be a sunset
the most beautiful thing that you have ever seen/experienced.
leaving you so speechless that you can't even speak.
the warm colors leaving you weak

Yellow and happiness

                 pink and giddy

                             orange and exciting

                                       purple and magical

love is like the night sky.
i hate the stars cause i look at the same ones you do without you.

sometimes i feel like a tragedy

life is going by so fast i don't even have enough time to say what i really want. isn't it strange that we talk least about the things we think about the most?

i can't quite learn to say things before i run out of time, before it's too late. why can't i learn that waiting is a mistake?

i live in a prison where i fear what other people think

i cry myself to sleep more nights than i don't and i think i'm almost tears.

i have chapters in my life that i don't want to read out loud

i have a problem with remembering the things i want to forget and forgetting the things i want to remember.

but most of all i need someone, a mother, a father, or just an older wiser being to cry to.

i talk to god but the sky is empty. it's probably my fault. i actually know for a fact it is.

life sometimes is just a tragedy.

it's just what humans do

vincent van gogh used to eat yellow paint because he believed it would bring out or get the happiness inside of him.

people would call him stupid and crazy because clearly the paint was toxic.

also reminding him that eating paint had no direct correlation with his happiness.

but i realized that he must have found him self so unhappy that the only thing bringing him true hapiness was painting his internal organs yellow, and if that was the only thing that worked, then he was going to do so


us humans. are no different.

vincent eating yellow paint is really no different than falling in love or taking drugs.

falling in love with someone gives us the risk of getting our hearts broken. and taking drugs has the risk of over dosing

but people still do these things everyday because there is always a chance that even for the slightest moment, it can give us happiness.

we all have our yellow paint.  

maybe

maybe all the coins i threw into the fountain and all the fingers i crossed for you don't really matter cause what is supposed to happen will happen

maybe all i need is more time. more time to know. know what exactly? i don't know

or maybe home is just two arms wrapped around me. 

maybe everything is temporary

maybe i will learn that i shouldn't have to fight for my spot in someone's life.

maybe i'll learn to stop wasting my 11:11 wishes on you
or stop wasting the rare shooting stars on you too

maybe i'll learn that people are poison.

maybe i'll stop craving the thing that hurts me the most.

maybe one day i'll learn.

dnifferet, barve eoungh¡

Wehn we ctcah oreluvses not bieng the nrom or bieng dnifferet, for smoe roesan we ilntstnay try to caghne it. Why? Bieng dnifferet is the olny tnihg kpeieng tihs wrold bauetfuil. Tihs psot is wtrietn in a cmtpoele dnifferet way, it is not nroaml, but it's fnie! Jsut lkie bnieg dnifferet ins't bad, it maens you are barve eoungh to be yursoelf.

shower thoughts

at times i am a mystery unto myself.
i sit as the darkness of night slowly covers the sky and question honestly who am i?
i ruin my life by desensitizing myself.
i get afraid to feel deeply.
or to say too much.
or to say how i really feel.
its hard to say what i really feel when i don't even know what i am feeling.
i believe that my soul is from elsewhere, and i intend to end there. my soul is a mystery.

nights are my thing.
at night is when i usually come closest to solving the mystery of my self.
i often think that the night is more alive & richly colored than the day.
everything looks perfect at night.
that must be why i love it so much because my soul feels perfect under the pictorial black and blue.
at night everything is more intense, more true.
moonbeams and starlight casts a soft luminous glow warming my soul.
making me feel more whole, and discovering my true self.

i hope to one day solve this mystery of myself

take me back

take me back to when monsters were my biggest fear in life
and the only thing scary about going onto the next grade were the shots
take me back to when learning how to blow a bubble was the most difficult task.
take me back to recess

 Mostly all i want back is the simplicity of being a kid again.
finger paintings
being a princess one day then a hero the next.
doing whatever i want when i wanted and not caring what others thought
having a "late night" with friends.

when we were kids we feared high school, we feared the duties that were to come of being a teenager. it's interesting how the things we feared the most when we were kids have already happened to us... why do we insist on making this simple life complicated?
i want my crayons back.

happy bones

Have you ever been so happy you could feel it in your bones?

Bones come in all shapes and sizes.
as does happiness. true happiness doesn't have to be a new car flashier than the alpine moms jewelry, sometimes the simplest things make me the happiest.

Bones are made of active and living cells.
for me happiness is getting out and living. smelling the air, hikes to places higher than my attention span, and playing with friends

The bony skelatol system in humans is hidden under layers of skin & muscle.
at times its hard to find happiness. It seems to be buried under homework assignments and pointless drama. Happiness is worth the wait to find it.

Calcium is very important for our bones & keeps us strong & healthy.
my calcium in life is good music. it always seems to be the thing that keeps me strong and literally brings me the most happiness at points.

Bones are held by ligaments.
the ligaments in my life are the things that keep me held in and that catch me before i have completely fallen. true friends and family are my ligaments to a happy life.

Bones are strong & rigid & built to stand a lot of force.
doing what truely makes us happy is what can help us from being broken down from the burden of trials.

The hyoid is a bone in the throat, it's the only bone in the whole body not connected to another bone. It helps produce/create the range of human vocalizations.
Sometimes you can be soooo happy that you will notice that this bone stops working, its those moments  when you are laughing so hard that there is no sound coming out at all. those are the best laughs. 

Teeth are bones.
i guess these are the happiest of all the bones because you only see these bones when you are the happiest

i hope there are days you fall in love with being alive    

     
 

oh hats

i honestly don't even wear hats.
they give me hat hair and they never seem to fit right.
hats are worn in so many different ways and personalities
i see the hats that the douche bags wear with pants lower than my act score
i see the gentleman taking off their hats to show respect
i see the hats that cover up the hair that is not perfect
i see the hats get thrown in the air for the excitement of actually graduating
i see the hats that the fall off the little sophomores that are so scared of being late they start running faster than the kisses at knightings
i see the hats that are clenched in someones fist to show grief
i also see the hats that are pushed back to show relief
i see the cowboy hats that all the girls wear to rodeos just for the occasion
i guess it all depends on the location 
oh hats 

 
  
 

So it goes

bad things happen, and it's awful, but it's also okay. 
we deal with it because we have to.

One thing i am certain about is that this life isn't supposed to be perfect, if we didn't make mistakes then we wouldn't be trying/living.

We're going to settle for less than we deserve.
We're going to make this simple life much more complicated than it needs to be.
We're going to regret saying maybe when we wanted to say no.
We're going to pretend to have happiness that we don't really have.
We're going to regret going out that one night
We're going to remember the things we try so hard to forget.

so it goes.